RULES FOR SURVIVAL IN THE ANIMEVERSE
No matter whether you end up as a Hero, a Villain, or a Magical Girl, if you should ever find yourself unexpectedly trapped in an Anime series, these basic rules will help you survive... or at least to have more fun with your role!
- According to the Rules of Animeverse Combat, sword beats gun, and bikini beats armor. I shall therefore equip myself accordingly – and if my enemies fall down giggling at the sight of a bikini-clad warrior rushing at them with a katana, well, so much the better for me.
- In addition to the standard intensive training in swordplay, martial arts, mecha operation, etc., I will try to acquire a few marketable, non-fighting-related skills, so that when the war I've worked so hard to end is finally over I won't end up unemployed.
- If I do find myself unemployed after the war, I will not go over to the other side just because they're the only ones who still need my skills. Vocational training may be dull and tedious, but in the long run it's far less awkward than having to fight all my old allies.
- One-on-one fights are for wusses. A real man can ignore cries of "But six against one isn't honorable!"
- I will not attempt to operate any mecha until I have read the operators' manual, and have a signed affidavit that all of the spiffy new experimental weapons have been properly tested and that the self-destruct button works.
- I will not fret obsessively over damage to my mecha. In the Animeverse, unbeatable mecha get trashed on a day-to-day basis, but the tech crews are so good that they're always repaired before they're needed again, so what am I worried about?
- If I can fly, and my opponent can't, I will not waste time chasing them on foot.
- Given that a fight is the second most unbreakable contract known in the Animeverse, before accepting any challenges I will keep firmly in mind that if I lose, the jerk will show up and taunt me at every plot twist – and if I win, he will follow me around demanding a rematch. Or worse, he will end up joining my team.
- Given that a date is the most unbreakable contract known in the Animeverse, I will also carefully consider the consequences of agreeing to go out on a date with someone. This goes double if the other person is known to be a Magical Girl, the Earthly form of a god or goddess, an alien prince(ss), etc.
- If I am female, and one of my ardent admirers refuses to understand that I do not wish to date him, I will not waste time engaging in devious schemes to get away from him. Instead, I will go on a date with him, and spend the evening demurely picking my nose.
- If I am male, and some too-cute-to-live girl refuses to understand that I do not wish to date her, I will not waste time hatching devious schemes to get away from her. Instead, I will go on a date with her, and then try to get my hand down her blouse or up her skirt at the first possible opportunity.
- ...but before I do this, I will clear my plans with her brother, secret admirer, sensei, or anyone else who might be likely to pound me for trying to get hentai with her.
- ...and if trying to cop a feel doesn't drive her off, well... OK, so now I have a cute girlfriend who doesn't mind if I try to cop a feel. Things could be worse, I guess.
- If my wise old jiichan or baasan tells me that the local forest, well, cave, or shrine has a demon imprisoned within it, I will believe them. Tokyo's been blown up often enough already by kids who didn't listen to their grandparents.
- If my name is supposed to be in English, or is going to be translated into English at some point, I will make certain that the translation is not something that will give native English speakers fits of the giggles every time they hear it.
- When faced with dripping, slimy, octopoid tentacles, I will not immediately begin screaming and wriggling in ineffectual terror. First, I will try pouring salt on them.
- I will not be surprised when the person from the future turns out to be my son or daughter. Of course they're my son or daughter; if they weren't, they wouldn't be here. The important question is, just who is the other parent?
- I will spend some time learning my family history and geneaology to find out whether I am an alien, the descendant of a god, heir to the throne, part of a deal with the underworld, etc. Little things like this are sure to come up sooner or later; it would be nice to know in advance.
- In the same vein, I will keep close track of anything my parents or sensei say, and will attempt to ferret out key pieces of information such as, "Did you set me up in an arranged marriage when I was three?", "Do I have a secret weakness?", "Is what that nice alien girl said about my lineage true?", and "Are you sure there isn't another Ultimate Technique I can learn?" These, too, are little things that are sure to come up at particularly inconvenient and embarrassing moments.
- If I'm facing a particularly amusing or pathetic opponent, I will do everything I can to avoid killing him or letting him join my quest. All that will accomplish is clearing the way for some new opponent, who will probably be infinitely worse.
- If I have been captured by a villain of the opposite sex, I will try hitting on them. If it works, it will distract him or her, and I might even score another ally. If it doesn't work... well, what the hell, they were going to kill me anyway, right?
- However, before I do this, I will keep in mind that if it does work, it's highly probable that he or she will decide to stick around and add another side to the love triangle / quadrangle / dodecahedron I'm already in. Therefore, this tactic should be saved as an absolute last resort.
- If I am faced with the choice of being destroyed by something evil, or of letting loose something even more evil in the hopes that it will destroy the lesser evil and then not turn on me afterwards, I will consider my options carefully. There's a very real risk that the greater evil will also hang around to add another side to the various love triangles I'm trapped in the middle of.
- I will remember to knock and loudly inquire as to whether anyone else is in the bathroom, locker room, gym shower, fitting room, etc. before entering. There's no telling how many times this would have simplified things.
- If a large, heavy object is coming my way, I will remember that the correct sequence is to duck first, then say "Wait! I can explain!"
- If I am the villain, I will not fall in love with the hero's girlfriend or boyfriend. Not only do I have absolutely no chance with them, but since all of the really interesting characters are already on my side anyway, they're probably as dull as dishwater once you get to know them.
- If my enemy's partner is the cutest, ditziest, most insufferably clueless and ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast, I will not underestimate her. She may be squealy, she may be annoying, she may be too cute to live... but she is also very likely to be the most powerful source of magical energy on the planet.
- If my opponent is a Magical Girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning gymnastically in place while transforming into her fighting outfit. I will wait until she goes airborne and drops all of her clothes – and then I will reach up, yank her back down to the ground, and start fighting immediately. If her shock at my blatant violation of the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphoses doesn't paralyse her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit probably will.
- If my opponent must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect, I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere of Silence."
- My own attacks, of course, will not have a verbal component.
- If my attacks simply must have a verbal component, they will not be twelve-kanji confections of polysyllabic nonsense like "Heaven's Exploding Rainbow Dragon Blossom Punch Of Great Justice!!!" My attacks will have simple, easy-to-remember names like "HA!", "SLAM!", and "KILL!"
- As an Anime Villain, I will always remember that the plot is not on my side. There is no way that I can win. Therefore, I may as well have fun while I can.
- If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets. Instead, I will take out the tech crew which maintains it. Then I will aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets.
- If I am a second-string villain, I will try to fall in love with the hero or heroine as soon as possible. This will save me a lot of unnecessary time and effort in the long run.
- If I am a second-string villain, I will try to defect over to the good guys the first chance I get, and help them kill my boss. Then, while they're busy celebrating, I will kill them all and take over my boss's position.
- The plainest / youngest / ditziest / wussiest member of the opposition's party dies first. There's nothing I hate more than having some seemingly-useless peripheral extra suddenly manifest Awesome Cosmic Powers just when it seems like my side's finally gotten the upper hand.
- I will not be astonished when I suddenly acquire magical powers. Of course I have magical powers; half the people in the Animeverse have magical powers. An Anime character being surprised to discover they have magical powers is like a Marvel Comics character being surprised to discover they're a mutant.
- I will watch plenty of anime and play lots of video games while I am on Earth, so that nothing I meet in the magical world surprises me.
- No matter how attractive they may be, I will not immediately fall in love with the first boy or girl I meet in the magical world. There's bound to be another dozen or so along in a minute; why limit my options?
- I will resist, with every ounce of self-control I posess, the urge to drop-kick the obscenely cute and fuzzy whatever-it-is which insists on following my party around everywhere we go, no matter how annoying it is. There's no telling what kind of powers it has.
- I will remember that there really is no need to reaffirm my dedication to my quest and my friendship with my teammates every ten minutes. The viewers get it, already!
- If I am a Magical Girl, and I have a choice in the matter, I will be a lesbian. Not so much because the thought of licking sweat droplets one by one from between another girl's breasts makes my knees weak – it's just that being a lesbian is pretty much the only thing that will save me from the Magical Girl's inevitable fate of falling in love with the dullest, most colorless and ineffectual yutz in the cast.
- If I don't have that option, I will try to be a sidekick instead. Sidekicks always get secondary characters as boyfriends, and the secondary characters are always much more interesting.
- If I get to choose my own fighting costume, I will try to choose something which will actually disguise my features and provide plausible confusion as to who I really am.
- ...although if I can't choose my own costume, then I won't worry about it too much. I do have script immunity, after all, so not even the greatest, most observant and persistent amateur detective in the cast has any hope of figuring out who I really am.
- I will, however, at least try to bargain for a fighting costume that covers my head, legs and arms, preferably with some sort of tough armor-like material. If I can't even get the writers to spring for that, I will go out and buy an inexpensive bicycle helmet and some hockey kneepads and shin guards. Hey, it's better than nothing.
- If I am female, I will not wear a fuku if I can possibly avoid it. If I have to wear a fuku because my magical powers are bound up in it somehow, I will take it to a good tailor and have it altered. Preferably into a nice pair of culottes.
- If I have no choice but to wear a fuku or other short-skirted outfit, I will choose whether I want to stand with my feet apart for balance, or with my knees together for modesty, and then stick with that choice no matter what. Trying to do both at once just looks silly.
- I will enroll in a good memory-enhancement course, so that I don't have to waste everyone's time repeating everything that is said to me phrase-by-phrase.
- If I am female, and I cannot cook, I will not keep trying to do so in the vain attempt to convince everyone of my femininity. It may be a cute running gag for the first couple of episodes, but after that it's just sad.
- When going into battle, I will carry a small, powerful, concealed firearm and a bottle of mace or pepper spray, just in case my spectacularly gymnastic special-effects-driven attack somehow doesn't get the job done. I will encourage the other members of my party to do the same.
- I will not even bother carrying a laser gun. When was the last time someone didn't have an energy shield to deflect it?
- If I am female, I will keep my hair in a short, manageable style that does not involve pigtails down to my knees, loops the size of bowling balls, a long, untied cascade of locks down my back, or anything else that I can get caught by, tangled in, or suspended from a pole by.
- The center of my powers will not be a gemstone, a ring, a pendant, or any object smaller than a grapefruit which could be easily stolen, lost, or accidentally flushed down the toilet. My powers will be vested in a 40-foot stone monolith cemented to the ground and guarded by giant, savage housecats, preferably located on some smelly, dangerous planet on the other side of the galaxy.
